How to Split Household Chores After Marriage (2024)

While planning a wedding requires plenty of compromise and attention to detail, it’s nothing compared to the adjustment and coordination that goes into merging two households after marriage. Your newlywed era should be a blissful time of love and happiness—not one filled with arguments over dirty laundry, dish-filled sinks, and forgotten bills. Streamline the start of your married life by creating an equitable division of labor based on your strengths, preferences, and availability. Check in regularly with your partner to assess and adjust your task lists, and give each other time to navigate these new routines. And as you divide and conquer your to-do list together, keep in mind one major advantage of getting married: You’ll always have a partner to help lighten the load.Ahead, you'll find a detailed guide to (fairly) splitting household chores after you say "I do."

Should Couples Split Household Chores Equally?

Dividing a chore list exactly in half results in a separation of labor that’s equal—but not necessarily fair. “Some tasks take more time, require planning, or occur more frequently than others. Plus, responsibilities at work, with family, or with kids can make an even split unrealistic,” says Chamin Ajjan, LCSW, A-CBT, CST.

Instead, she says, “aim for equity rather than equality” by setting up a division of tasks that both partners feel is reasonable and manageable. “Equality is about treating everyone the same, but you and your partner are not the same,” says Ajjan. “Equity is about ensuring you both have the support and resources you need to succeed. This means the number of chores each person has is less important than what feels fair to both of you.”

Hope Kelaher, LCSW, has seen some of her clients divide chores according to the percentage of time they spend at home instead of evenly down the middle. A partner who works from home might volunteer to wash, dry, and fold laundry during audio-only conference calls, while a partner who works weekend shifts might pick up the grocery order on the way home. The partner with a shorter commute might be in charge of emptying the dishwasher every morning, while the one who’s at home less often during the week might devote larger chunks of time on the weekends to gardening or deep cleaning. “I have never met a couple where there is complete reciprocity in terms of sharing the household maintenance and chores,” she says.

6 Steps for Splitting Household Chores After Marriage

Agree on a Shared Vision

Before dividing up your chore list, you and your partner need to land on the same vision for your home—a vision you can use to center everything from how often to clean the bathroom sink to how many decorative objects you want to keep on the coffee table. “I often will ask a couple to envision what type of environment they would want to come home to after an exhausting day of work,” says Kelaher. “This question can prompt the couple to envision and set expectations for what they want their home to look like—not just organizationally, but also dynamically—and how they want to contribute to fulfilling that vision.”

If one partner balks at the idea of organizing a chore list, the other should take the time to clarify the meaning and expectations behind it. “If you’re considering this conversation, it’s likely because one or both partners are feeling overwhelmed, neglected, unseen, burned out, or resentful,” says Ajjan. “Having this discussion without addressing the underlying ‘why’ means you're not starting with a solid foundation to build on.” Ajjan, a Fair Play facilitator, incorporates the method’s idea of considering your household as an organization. “For it to run successfully, everyone needs to understand the organization’s goals,” she says. “Once both partners agree on what their goal is, they’ll have a clearer understanding of why a list is necessary, making it easier to decide what belongs on it.”

Make a List

The division of household tasks begins with making a comprehensive list of daily, weekly, monthly, and annual chores; this includes feeding the cat, restocking the pantry, changing the HVAC filter, paying the electric bill, getting the car inspected, and more. “Consider all the things that need to happen inside the home to make your lives function well. Be detailed and specific, and don’t overlook the ‘small’ tasks that may go unnoticed, such as buying presents for family members or hosting guests,” says Ajjan. However, you should also keep track of the time required for your individual interests—think: marathon training, volunteer hours, yoga class—which won’t replace your household contributions. “If you are big into charity and sign your partner up for something he has no interest in, that is not a shared value and that chore should not be on your shared list,” says Ajjan. “You are creating a list based on what you both agree is needed to make your home run smoothly.”

Divide and Conquer

Instead of dividing the list at random, consider each partner’s likes and dislikes as you split up the work with your partner. “Play to each other’s strengths,” says Kelaher. “For instance, if, when you were dating, you always noticed that your partner’s laundry was not done or put away, you may want to make a mental note of that—when you live together, it might not be their strength to do the laundry in a timely manner.” One partner might like folding laundry while the other likes tidying the yard; one might find it satisfying to clean the shower while the other gets a rush from decluttering the garage. “Look at each chore or task and determine who is better equipped to handle it, whether that’s based on skills, enjoyment, availability, or preferences,” says Ajjan. “Don’t let a lack of experience stop you from taking on a task. It may take some time to learn, but most tasks are manageable with practice—even if gender stereotypes suggest otherwise.”

Schedule Your Priorities

It’s not always feasible to stick to a strict housekeeping schedule, but you and your partner do need to agree on which chores are the most important to complete daily, weekly, or monthly. Some tasks may come with a deadline outside your control—like your mortgage due-date or your neighborhood’s trash pickup—while others are more about your own sense of ease and peace (like making sure the coffee pot is washed at night so you can get brewing as quickly as possible in the morning). “It is important for both partners to be transparent about their thoughts about said activities, as well as be flexible to meet each other’s needs,” says Kelaher. She uses one of her couples as an example: “The husband knows that leaving his clothes on the floor is his wife’s number one pet peeve,” she says. “She is more flexible and understanding when he can’t complete his other chores in a prompt fashion, but he knows that the trade-off for her flexibility is that he can never leave his clothes on the floor.”

Agree on the Execution

The Fair Play Method incorporates a technique called CPE—conception, planning, and execution—”which means owning the entire task from start to finish,” says Ajjan. Conception identifies the task; planning allows for scheduling, researching, and preparing supplies; and execution, the final step, “is completing the task at an appropriate time, while meeting the minimum standard of care you’ve both agreed on,” says Ajjan. This means you’ve coordinated with your partner about what constitutes completion of the task: Does taking out the trash include replacing the full bag with a clean and empty one? Does making the bed include neatly arranging the throw pillows? Does vacuuming include moving the sofa to get into the corners? “By agreeing on a minimum standard of care, you can reduce the likelihood of resentment, miscommunication, lack of trust, and unnecessary bickering,” says Ajjan.

Check in and Readjust

Both experts suggest regular meetings to check in on the chore list—and on other household details. “I do believe that having a weekly, routine ‘State of Our Union’ conversation can be super helpful and give the couple an opportunity to assess what is and isn’t working,” says Kelaher. “It also allows the couple to check in on other things between them—i.e., planning for the weekend, trips, or holidays.”

Use this time to readjust your task list as needed, accommodating schedule changes and shifts in preferences. “Just because you take on a task one week doesn’t mean it’s yours forever,” says Ajjan. “You might both need to share certain responsibilities, or some weeks, one of you may need to temporarily handle a chore. Regular discussions and adjustments are key to keeping expectations clear and ensuring that both of you feel supported.”

What to Do If Your Partner Isn’t Taking Responsibility for Their Chores

Even partners with the best intentions can find it annoying or overly time-consuming to complete their list—which can leave the partner who is keeping up in an awkward spot. “I hate to be blunt, but no couple has ever said to me, ‘I love it when my partner nags me,’” says Kelaher. Weekly check-ins can keep you both on track, providing a fresh start every seven days—as long as you keep your input empathetic, not sarcastic. “I encourage keeping a stance of curiosity if you notice that your partner is slacking,” says Kelaher. “Perhaps starting a conversation such as, ‘I am noticing that you don’t take the garbage out consistently. Can you tell me more about what you like and don’t like about it?’” This type of approach can open a conversation that allows you to reassign and reschedule tasks—and find a split that works for both of you.

In some cases, you may just need to outsource some (or most) of your list. “It can really strain a relationship when a partner isn’t taking care of their responsibilities,” says Ajjan. If you’re in a position to pay for a lawn service, a monthly deep-clean, or weekly grocery delivery, you can immediately remove these pressure points from your relationship by bringing in outside help. “Remember, your home isn’t an isolated island. Take stock of the resources you have—whether it’s friends, family, or even financial options—that could help lighten the load with some of the tasks,” says Ajjan. “Always communicate your needs. Unspoken expectations can quickly turn into resentment, so be clear about what you need and encourage open discussions.”